We’ve all been there, it’s the middle to early-late stage of a poker tournament and you’re sitting on a top-five stack. You know there’s still a long way to go, but you just can’t help imagining what it would feel like to score the win. You sneak a little peek at the lobby and picture all the ways you would use the cash sitting at the top.
And then, in what seems like the blink of an eye, you’re back on the sidelines, chips punted off again, wondering where it all went wrong. And that is the real question – where did it all go wrong and why does it keep happening? Although the science of self sabotage is far from exact, psychologists do have some theories of why it happens and, more importantly, how to make it stop.
At the top of the list of theories of why so many of us seem to struggle with self-defeating behaviors – from blowing up a stack on the Final Table bubble to drinking 12 beers the night before a major tournament – is that thanks to an evolutionary-wired survival mechanism, our mind is obsessed with familiarity and what it sees as security.
“There is stability in self-destruction, in prolonging sadness as a means of escaping abstractions like happiness. Rock bottom is a surprisingly comfortable place to lay your head. Looking up from the depths of another low often seems a lot safer than wondering when you’ll fall again.” – Kris Kidd
According to this way of thinking, things that have been proven not to kill us are good, and everything that has yet to do so is bad. So, when we’re sitting there, on the brink of a life-changing score, our subconscious isn’t actually focused on the glory or the opportunity, but on the new level of pressure and responsibility we may face as a result of taking down the win.
It (the survivalist psyche) knows disappointment and misery well, and although those emotions may not feel good to us, it has learned through repeated experiences that, ultimately, we can handle it – and thus prefers it to the unknown of success.
And so, when you find yourself on the cusp of greatness and watch helplessly as some toxic part of yourself triple-barrel-bluffs into a known calling station, or tries to pull off the hero-call of the century against the tightest player at the table, that’s the psyche doing its job to keep you safe.
Of course, if safety was the purpose of life, we’d all be living in a bubble like some 90’s Seinfeld episode. But we don’t – because life is about far more than just lasting another day. It’s about adventure and novelty and achieving something great. It’s about joy and purpose and daring to fail.
And so, what is the answer? How do we stop shooting ourselves in the foot and open up the door to success? Well, hopefully this article is helping you achieve the first step: becoming aware.
As we reflect on the patterns we see in ourselves, we can begin taking measures to neutralize them. This can start simply enough – the next time you find yourself sitting on a big stack late in a tournament, take a moment or two to turn inward and check in on how you’re feeling.
Do you feel nervous?
Or anxious?
Or afraid?
Is your energy too charged for how long you still have left to play?
Do you feel an erratic urge to gamble?
Or to play every hand?
Whatever you find there, shine the spotlight of your attention on it and make sure your consciousness remains aware.
Then, once you’ve assessed your present state, bring yourself back to baseline by reminding yourself that success should not be feared, but rather embraced. Assure your nervous psyche that change represents growth and opportunity, and that stepping into a new role as a contender is a natural progression of your skills.
And lastly, rather than beating yourself up for not having made it over the self-sabotage hump just yet, recognize that the lessons that will allow you to do so are happening in real time. These lessons are in the big blowups and the too-early exits, in the frustration and in the feelings of defeat. Because as long as we bring to it awareness and self-reflection, it is through those defeats that the lessons are scorched into us in a way we won’t soon forget.
And so that is how we become great, by getting punched over and over again, learning our lesson a little better each time, and continuing to stand up to the impulses, bad habits, and especially the fear, reminding ourselves constantly: I refuse to be afraid of success.
Will Watson is a writer, amateur poker player and enthusiastic student of the human mind.
Contact me at: willwatsonpoker@gmail.com